Why Statisticians Have A Hard Time Dating.


Female: Hey, Mr. Statistician. Want to go out on a date?

Statistician: Let’s see. Here we have a sample, you, from the population, asking me out on a date. (pulling out a notepad to write) I’ll use a gamma, in this case, to represent your goddess appearance. The Dependent variable would be me either saying yes or no. The Independent value, in this case, would be you going out on a date. Assuming the homogeneity of the variance, along with the normality; that still leaves the variable of my personal activities. I will represent that with the Greek letter, Tau, to represent time. Specifically, time spent devising a verbal language based on ASCII code, drinking juice boxes, and watching Jeopardy. As you have initiated asking my availability for a date, I can also reject the possibility that you will be “washing your hair,” as a limiting factor your peers frequently face, regarding availability. Let’s also assume your hair will be clean enough for our date. Let’s see. Doing the math here. Hmmm. The p-value is less than 0.05, so I can rule out chance that I am not available. So, with 95% confidence, I cannot reject the premise that I would go out with you.

Female: What? Never mind. (walks away)

Statistician: Wait! Did you want to see the math?  I can show the work! You can’t leave! What variable did I not account for!?!

Author note: Just doing a little venting towards the end of a Stats course. With how convoluted the language is, I can’t how statisticians don’t struggle with the language barrier of their vocation. Seriously.

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